Right... So this is todays entery... Slipknots new CD comes out the 25th so I finally got up enough money to buy it... I found out my brother can't go one day with out trying to make my life hell, my mom thinks I'm selfish and I have finally had my fill of all the fucking shit in my life...

Well everyone my mothers husband is an ass, and now he will be even worse... The cancer finally took his father... Sad thing is I don't feel a thing for him, or his father. I can't help it, I guess the only emotions I have are for my blood family and friends, and of course the person I'm overly in love with. But thats it. I don't have a tear or a change in my expression as my mother tells me how bad it is for her husband, I can only selfishly think of how much pain my life is gonna have as her husban uses this as an excuse to argue with all of us in the house and do drugs and/or drink. I hope he dies too, soon. I mean I will miss the money he gives my mom, but he hardly has money now, or ever... our house doesnt have any food and my mom had to use penny's to buy her gas yesterday. I am cold, but for good reason... Why should I care about others who wouldn't care if it was me or my mother or brother in that bed dead and cold. I just dont know anymore, my reality is gone, I am traped between my own twisted reality and the real world. This mornning I spent a hour laying in bed, wishing I had not been awake, that I would have gone to sleep last night and been forever in a dream, a nice dream where there was no death or life, only me and the one I love... I am selfish... I know this... PEACE OUT!
LaTTeRZ,
Aira Draven Mental Patient Number: 420666

((Continued)) Well I know some of the second songs lyrics got cut off, but you get the point of the songs... both songs remind me of the guy I like, Infact am overly obsessed with and love and have my tragic death plan based on. (in other words,  if he dies before me I'm gonna die shortly after... no details needed) So Here I am for the last few days thinking "Am I really ready to move on?" theres this guy I've liked for close to a year now and I really wanted to see if maybe I could find the love I want so badly in him/from him. So I called him last night... no answer... then when I went to bed another dream of the one I know I truely love plauged me. So I wake up thinking, GOD if there is truely no way I will ever see him again or even talk to him then just let my life be over because it seems like the "What if" is my only hope for going on in life. So it goes on as a normal day and then when I go down to my brothers friends house who would happen to be right next door to that guys house out on his friends pourch? You got it, the guy I'm inlove with. And this time I actually found the courage to say something... all I said was "hi" but when he waved at me I was ready to pass out. I know It wasnt much but me saying that is a huge improvement in my courage, I have moved up from 0% to like .5% now. But then latter I decided to go to the store and get a Faygo moonmist (pop/soda for all you who have no clue what the fuck moonmist is) and guess who comes walking in like 5 seconds after me... so I walk outside and when I get out there I think of how badly I wanted to just go hug him and tell him how much I loved him when I seen him, then I consider staying there and waiting for him to come out and try talking to him and telling him I miss him and wish he would at least come and visit me every now and then, but I decide to let fear and low self-image over rule my judgement again and I was back in my house before I even had time to realize it. I mean I know hes suposed to be with his girlfriend and love her so much, but I really wish it was me that he wanted to be with, its selfish and all but I can't help it, I try not to have emotions but I do, I can't stop them... I hope one day maybe he will think about me and think about how much I love him and consider giving me another chance...PEACE OUT!!!
LaTTeRZ,
Aira Draven Mental Patient Number: 420666

Hello Everyone before I get to My story of the day I think you need to see the two songs of my life by "Story of the year".

Hello again my bored little friends... Well this mornining, or should I say afternoon since I don't wake up till after noon, I went with my mom to her docter. Shes been reading up On Aleister Crowley for a long time and she wanted to Replace her Aleister Crowley Thoth Tarot Deck that got stolen. So we Went to borders book store and decided to look around. My mom did her normal thing looking at all the books and mediphysical  stuff. I was looking for a book about Shinto (An ancient japanese religion that I have been studying and trying to practice for quite some time now) and of course had no real luck since its not really practiced much anymore let alone in the U.S. So I decided to check out the Tarot decks there. I had been meaning to get a new one for awhile now. So my mom found her Thoth Deck but they where larger cards then she wanted. The First set of cards I touched where The Feng Shui Cards and as soon as I seen they where chinese I knew they where the ones for me. So of course I spent the money I had saved up for the new slipknot cd on them... But its okay it was really worth it, and I'll have the money up for the CD by the 25th no problem. But the Cards are so beautiful the art work is by far the best I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot of Japanese and Chinese art work. the cards art is very traditional japanese style painings.... All in all it was the best $18 I've spent this month... PEACE OUT!
LaTTeRZ,
Aira Draven mental patient number: 420666

Well Whats up everyone? Tonight is just another lame azz night around here. Its been Raining every night for the last week now. Thunder and lightning and all. For some reason I find a lot of comfort in this kind of weather... I love the thunder and lightning along with the sound of the rain hitting my window... It puts my mind at ease... Of course it also Reminds me of the one person I love more then life itself, but then again everything reminds me of him... I miss him a lot and I wish I could some how find the courage to admit it to him... I think about him all night and day everyday... It was like this when he was here and now that he's not here anymore... I miss having him around, it gets lonely not having anyone to talk to. I mean I could call Amber and talk to her and she knows how much I love her, shes like a little sister to me, but its not the same... I can't tell her how I feel all the time, Its just not the same feeling you know? I guess I wasn't really thinking straight when I let him go, Maybe I never have though straight... I didn't mean to let him go the first time, but some how I let him slip away from me a second time... If I ever get a third chance it will be the one where I hold on and make it work, I always think "What if..." What if I had told him I loved him, and told him he is the only one for me and that I don't want anyother? Would we be together at this vary momment in time? What if now I had a chance to tell him that I've tried to move on and each time I tried to be with someone new I was so stuck on him that in my heart I knew it wouldn't work and found my self alone again? That I wont allow anyone else to so much as hug me and tell me they think I'm pretty, because hes the only one I trust, the only one I believe, the only one that makes me feel safe... What if I could tell him that everynight I go to sleep and dream of him after long hours of lying awake thinking of him with visions of the past playing over and over in my mind, feeling like lifes going on everyones changing and I got left behind. I look for things that remind me of him, but no one has those eyes... Those words... his lips, his hair, his personality. Its driving me insane, like I was ever sane to begin with, So many letters folded and hid from the entire world and even him... I'd cry right now but I'm all cried out all I want is him or at least a good nights sleep with out a dream as strange as it seems. I cant move on I'm traped in time, I cant get away hes always on my mind... I know I'm obsessed but I need it. Its my only reason to wake up, my only reason to go on living, he is my reason, he is my life... I often wonder if I died tonight would he miss me? Would he even come to my funeral? I doubt it, But I can't truely know... I can't read his mind, and hes so close yet so far away, he has a new life hes happy in, Everyones made it very clear to me... But I always wonder "What if..." I love you so much I really do... I just want to be able to hold you. To wake up and see your face... Is that to much to ask for? I dont wish for much but Everynight I wish on a star and hope you can hear my thoughts and realize what I feel... But of course wishes are not real, I've always known this... My only reason in this world is to learn to deal with pain and heartbreak. I always told myself since I was young that I was destined to be alone. I know that I was right, maybe its some kind of karma... Now I hear the rain again starting up and the sky as it goes from black to day and then black again from the lightining and the crash of thunder it makes me wonder if you ever think of me and wonder What if we would have got together and tried to make it work.... PEACE OUT!
LaTTeRZ,
Aira Draven Mental Patient Numer: 420666

Thats right Bitchez, I'm back like Feminem and I'm about to UP-DATE my website so be sure to visit is or I'll have to beat you azzez! (I'm just fucking with you guyz) Anywayz I finally went and put in my order for my Graduation shit, so to all of you in the CLASS of 04 I wanna give you all the finger a nice little GO FUCK YOURSELFS and a I'M GLAD I NEVER HAVE TO  SEE YOU SKANK-AZZ BITCHES EVER AGAIN! and thats all for that part. I know the crewz wondering where all my writtings went, well I deleted almost my whole blog thanks to now realizing that I sounded like a cold hearted bitch... Now I'm going for the QUEEN COLD HEARTED BITCH approch... =^.^= ((Meow)) well I guess thats gonna be all for now... PEACE OUT!!!!

LaTTeRZ,
  Aira Draven Mental Patient number: 420666

Well let me start off by saying DAMN you must be more bored then I am... This is my Journal and I'm sure that that this will be all the proff you need to asure you that every thing on my website (Aira Dravens Shrine to Insanity) is 100% true. Anyways I guess I'll get one to my journal huh?


I just got finished uploading a shit load of Images for The HIM dedication page of my website. I figure that after I finnish adding the pics and Information about the band I will go on to either the "True horror storys of my life" section or maybe the "Morbid poetry, jokes and news reports" that were all actually written by my friends and I out of bordness and just plain Mental disabilitys. I know a lot of people in my town and life already hate me for my attitude towards them, so its not like their gonna hate me any worse over me laughing at their expense right? Oh well If they don't like me they can get BENT! I'm not one to feel pitiy for them or feel guilty that I just might hurt their feelings. Did they consider my feelings? HELL NO!   So please remember as you read this, and you dont like it , don't e-mail me anymore about how Immature I am... Everyone already Knows I am, especialy me! your e-mails urk me because I have to imagine you actually sitting at a computer pounding the keys... It causes me to feel for the poor keybored that is lucky it has no soul, no existence so therefore it feels no pain or disgust as you violate it. PEACE OUT!

LATTERZ,
Aira Draven Mental patient number 420666